Mother the Great

You put up with me at my worst, when certain blessings feel like a curse, you comfort me in times of grey and love me even though I’m gay.

Todays for you to rest and smile, even though all the while,

I pluck your nerves like an acoustic guitar playing a medley near or far that sometimes only a mother could love, I love you mom, let’s rise above!

I’m a work in progress but you already knew, I’m also so so much like you, so today I’ll be grateful for all you sacrificed, remember that when you think ‘Jesus Christ!’

‘I want to ring his neck and smack him upside the head!’ But that’s because you know if you didn’t I’d be dead.

I’m grateful for you in times of blue, I still smile because I’m something like you!

A work in progress nonetheless, I know you still care even when I’m at my messiest!

Thank you for the matriarchy you created with a father who’s also the greatest!

I can’t let you know how much I appreciate Mother the Great, Queen of everything far and wide, cost to cost, tide after tide!

I hope you read this and feel anew, there’s hope in me and there’s gold in you!

I’ll love you forever and always till the day I die, with that same blue twinkle in my eye as when you held me the very first time!

I can’t wait to flip over this rusty dime, polish it, shine it, see it gleam, but for now I’ll hold onto that dream.

The point I wanted to so poignantly state was how you are Mother the Great!

30 Things that make me SMILE!

  • Nature
  • Animals
  • Mom & Dad & Sister & extended family
  • My Partner
  • Positive affirmations in the mirror
  • Blogging
  • Photography
  • Someone helping me
  • Helping others
  • Plants both small and large
  • Cosmetology
  • Sex
  • Clothing & cosmetics
  • Friends new & old
  • LGBTQ+ outreach and furthering counter culture
  • Psychology & psychopharmacology
  • Art & making art
  • Travel
  • Spicy food
  • Seasons of the year & watching them change
  • Love/Peace/Hope
  • Horror films
  • Gratitude
  • Music
  • Recycling & Repurposing
  • Waterfalls & Rivers
  • Elders and they’re history
  • Antiques
  • Architecture and Design
  • Falling in love with myself again

Beat it

I feel my cranium melt like ice cream in my own hot headed bowl… like acid when you feed me your bull shit of ‘it’ll be fine’ . I’m speechless, quite never preachless and adorned with a hanging fate of hate. I hate it because it once twas I, a man who held onto shit to feel full inside, a man besieged, gutted and torn… but you can’t see it and I beat it…

Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD is a mental disease that for me is equatable to bipolar in the ways of highs and lows but the main difference is the lack of duration between highs and lows and the undetermined ups and downs minute by minute; this is extremely detrimental without mood stabilizers. The majority of bipolar individuals (from what I’ve been told by psychiatrists) spend days in the highs (reckless behaviors including lack of sleep, gambling, unprotected sex, excessive shopping, and drug use to name a few) and then the lows (can’t get out of bed, depression, lack of hygiene, self harm, drug use and the like). Borderline is less of a personality disorder so much as it’s a lack of self identity and purpose and is more the less almost always associated with PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder). Due to trauma trust is dwindled or lost altogether and all feelings are extremely hypersensitive and debilitating. Relationships fall to pieces in the throws of episodes as self soothing techniques fly out the window and things move directly into fight or flight. I’ve dealt with it thus far via self medicating and self harm (cutting/anorexia/drugs) but with a new medication combination I am beginning to feel steadier. My medications took 5+ years to figure out and adjust to a proper regimen but now I have more control than ever before. My brain used to have a good side and bad side and never a center balance of contentment, but through medicine I’ve found some peace of mind. I’m currently receiving treatment at Pasadena Villa in Sevierville Tennessee at a residential treatment facility but have been to approx 25-30 other centers and rehabs over the past 6 years. I’m writing this to hopefully gain awareness and shed light on a very newly diagnosed (relatively speaking) disease with little common ground from person to person on prognosis. My experience is mine alone and no I don’t have a degree to be able to 100% accurately describe the medical pieces in totality. Hopefully I’ll find greater benefit being transparent and vulnerable than I have been by stuffing things down and keeping them bottled up. Symptoms and the disease itself can also begin to subside with intense DBT, CBT, trauma therapy and age. I hope that this can help someone else who’s going through a similar situation feeling alone or for a parent in need of more insight (when in the throws of it, it’s hard for that individual to verbalize what’s going on in a non manic manner). PS: Once again I’m not a doctor just someone opening up to the idea of being vulnerable while I’m at my rock bottom.

Below are the medications I currently take in the case that they may help in any way…

• Trintellix 10mg

• Lamictal 150mg

• Olanzapine 2.5 mg morning, afternoon and evening

• Mirtazapine 7.5mg

• Gabapentin 600mg 3x daily

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

GoFundMe

https://www.gofundme.com/homeless-jobless-and-receiving-medical-attention?pc=ot_co_dashboard_a&rcid=02883a66b1554c3eaa05df49c56c1130

Hi my name is Zachary Hinegardner and I am working towards a brighter future for me and my family. I had a near death experience, was in a coma for a day and now I’m homeless and lost my partner of 2 years. My diagnoses include borderline personality disorder, major depression, anxiety, PTSD, and severe substance use disorder. I’m currently in a psychiatric hospital and take full accountability for my actions that led me to where I am. Financially I’m almost $100,000 in medical bills and anything would help, even just an email or a Facebook or Instagram message and especially prayers. Thank you with all the sincerity in my heart for any contribution and have a blessed day!

Email: Zach.uhmc@comcast.net

Insta: @zachglicid

Fbook: @Zach Hinegardner

Prayers: to whomever you believe in!

Supportful

https://www.supportful.com/f5bb1585-c438-440b-aa64-c90acd69926d

Hello my name is Zachary Hinegardner and I am working towards a brighter future for me and my family. I had a near death experience, was in a coma for a day and now I’m homeless and lost my partner of 2 years. My diagnoses include borderline personality disorder, major depression, anxiety, PTSD, and severe substance use disorder. I’m currently in a psychiatric hospital and take full accountability for my actions that led me to where I am. Financially I’m almost $100,000 in medical bills and anything would help, even just an email or a Facebook or Instagram message and especially prayers. Thank you with all the sincerity in my heart for any contribution and have a blessed day!

Email: Zach.uhmc@comcast.net

Insta: @zachglicid

Fbook: @Zach Hinegardner

Prayers: to whomever you believe in!